"It's not just you," he says, realizing when it's out that he sounds defensive and wondering if maybe that's yet another step in the wrong direction. "Look, I've been doing this almost ten fucking years. I gave up college for it. Maybe I wanna see if I can do something else with my life, before I've been in so long, I fucking forget how."

So no, it's not just Neil. But Neil was the catalyst, the inspiration, and when he thinks about a future without a uniform, Neil is what appears in its place.

And that's insane. Absolutely insane.