He stops abruptly, head tipped back, eyes briefly closed. For a moment he wishes he hadn't said anything, wishes he wasn't here at all, and not because any of what he's saying is scaring him, or that he thinks it might scare Neil. Simply because Neil is right: It's deep, deep and raw, and it hurts.

"I never went that far with anyone who wanted it," he says softly. "It was... like all the walls coming down. Like... the ash, again."