"I know. I'm sorry, I suck at explaining this." He laughs slightly. "I'm still figuring it out myself."
He pauses, bending and fingering another stone, feeling its smoothness. Letting its curve be a guide. "I mean, balance between... the part of me that needs to destroy everything and the part of me that needs to be able to keep from doing that."
He throws the stone and lets out a breath. "I've done horrible things. I've done things I could never suffer enough to pay for, shit I could never justify. I used to be terrified of that part of me. Then, down there in the ash, all that shit I was afraid of - shit that probably wasn't even all real - showed up, and the only way we made it outta there was because I called a truce. You see? I made a deal with it. I became it. But the only way that deal holds is if I keep it in balance."
He sighs and passes a hand over his face. "I didn't want Neil to cure me. If it weren't for the girls, I might not have let him. I did it because I saw what I might turn into, and it was just too dangerous. I can't let things... swing so far over to that side again. So." He drops his hand away and smiles ruefully. "Sorry, I still don't think that made any fucking sense."
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He pauses, bending and fingering another stone, feeling its smoothness. Letting its curve be a guide. "I mean, balance between... the part of me that needs to destroy everything and the part of me that needs to be able to keep from doing that."
He throws the stone and lets out a breath. "I've done horrible things. I've done things I could never suffer enough to pay for, shit I could never justify. I used to be terrified of that part of me. Then, down there in the ash, all that shit I was afraid of - shit that probably wasn't even all real - showed up, and the only way we made it outta there was because I called a truce. You see? I made a deal with it. I became it. But the only way that deal holds is if I keep it in balance."
He sighs and passes a hand over his face. "I didn't want Neil to cure me. If it weren't for the girls, I might not have let him. I did it because I saw what I might turn into, and it was just too dangerous. I can't let things... swing so far over to that side again. So." He drops his hand away and smiles ruefully. "Sorry, I still don't think that made any fucking sense."