forthedog | But I could see for miles, miles, miles

Entry tags:

darrow,
neil

But I could see for miles, miles, miles

In the end the anger is directed--finally and completely and as it always should have been—inward.

He knows what he’s hearing before he’s even really conscious of it. He lies in his bed in the dark, that fucking wall so near his head, and it’s very faint but he can hear it and he knows its source. He knows those sounds.

It’s a distant memory now, but he knows what Neil sounds like when he comes.

He lies there in the dark and he feels fury roiling through him and transmuting into misery so deep it literally shakes him, wrenches at his muscles, and through it all he’s achingly, shamefully hard. He fists his hands in the sheets. Doesn’t drop them below his waist, where he wants them, because it would mean a few seconds of relief and he can’t allow himself that. This is torture, and it’s his torture, and he thinks that it’s exactly what he fucking deserves.

But all at once he thinks of Sam, all that weight on his shoulders, the way he doesn’t seem to want to let it go, and Neil’s hollow eyes. I don’t even know where to fuckin’ start.

And somewhere in that darkness something breaks open.

The next couple of days are a blur.

He isn’t drinking—at least, not much. But he also isn’t really home. Somewhere in there, he remembers staggering back and sleeping for a few fractured hours before he leaves again. He doesn’t want to see Neil. He’s not ready. Later he remembers the park at sunset, approaching the burn scar of the World Tree at last, making a long, slow circuit around still-charred ground. The ashes have been blown and washed away. He can still see that spike of green in the midst of all the death, small and defiant. He goes no closer. It’s enough to know that it’s still there, but it’s not his. It doesn’t need him.

This is about need. This is about needing.

It feels like time is twisting in on itself. It feels like some giant hand has hit rewind and he’s being swept along with the blur as everything loops backward. And at the same time he knows he has a choice. That he chose this. That there was never an excuse, that all of this has been his choice: Death and pain and evil, and once he chose something else, and now he can make that choice again.

So he stands at Neil’s door and knocks, and it’s firm but it’s not pounding. The terror feels burned out of him. So does the rage. What’s left is desire so intense it makes his hands shake. The desire is what’s done the burning.

When fighting and running are off the table, you give up. You surrender. You lay down your arms.

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It's the sound Neil makes that really breaks him open. He moans, grasping Neil's cock as he tilts his head and licks a slow trail up its underside--how he's doing anything slowly right now is something he'll wonder about later, except that maybe he has to. It has to be slow because if it's faster it could completely wreck him.

He's still shaking. He palms himself with his other hand and he's fucking diamond hard, but somehow that's outside his focus. His entire world is Neil's cock sliding past his lips, heavy on his tongue, and Jesus Christ the fucking taste.

It's too much, almost immediately. Another helpless sob bursts its way out of my chest, my shoulders shaking with the force of it, and I keep my hand braced on his shoulder, struggling to stay on my feet... Because some part of me knows that he needs this.

He needs to relearn all of this. He needs to relearn me, and I guess I could use with a refresher, too.

"Mike... Mike, please."

He's trying to do everything at once, trying to focus, still feeling like he's dangerously close to just blacking the fuck out--because it's pure sense memory rushing at him, ten times as intense as anything since that first day of revelation. The smell. The taste. The sound of Neil's voice when he's trying so hard to hold on like this. It's all still there. It was all just waiting for him to come back to it.

He feels Neil's cock hit the back of his throat and then he's pulling back again, nuzzling at it and letting it leave a wet line of precome and spit down his cheek to his jaw. He doesn't want this to be tidy. He'd fucking bathe in it all if he could.

"What?"

"I gotta sit down or somethin'," I admit with a wheeze of laughter, edging toward something almost like embarrassment.

I grin down at him, my thumb smearing away the sheen of spit and come on his cheek. I want too many fucking things at once. His mouth on me. His dick in me. The weight of him pressing me down onto whatever flat surface we can find.

"At least lemme find a fuckin' wall to lean against."

"Thought you were fucking sick of that," he breathes, laughing himself, teeth catching Neil's thumb for a second before releasing him again. Playful. Jesus. He'd forgotten that he had it in him.

But of course it's all still there.

He shoves Neil backward with both hands on his hips, following after on his knees, and it's awkward as hell and he couldn't possibly care any less. "Whatever. You're gonna come down my fucking throat." He arches an eyebrow. "Unless you wanna fight about it."

"Fuck you," I laugh, a bright, almost startled grin finding its way onto my face, and when the back of my knees hit the chair in the front room, I sink down onto it, bending forward to catch his lips with mine.

"I don't wanna fight," I murmur, my thumb tracing his bottom lip. "Long as you're gonna fuck me later."

The kiss steals away what little breath he still has but he still manages to make a rough sound into it, hot and loose and needy--they haven't kissed like this, because they've still been trying to take things slow and really?

Fuck slow. Just fuck it.

"I'll do anything you fucking want," he says, and everything in him clenches and releases in a way that makes him want to sob. He doesn't. Neil's cock sliding back into his mouth like it's fucking meant to be there is enough distraction from how his heart is cracking open.

I can't really lie back and just take it. There's no relaxing, right now. I feel wound so fucking tight, grasping at him, fighting just to get air into my lungs, wishing he'd fucking get naked already, but his mouth is around my dick, hot and wet and perfect, and it's almost enough to make me forget everything else.

Almost.

But in reality, it's a rush of too many emotions at once. A rush of moments, memories, and maybe it's not right without Tom here with us, but for now, it's got to be enough.

It's all coming back. Or a lot of it is. More than before. He's had flashes of things before now, some of it intense enough to get him painfully hard--fucking Tom, not just Neil--but this is so much. When he licks a long, swirling trail up from the base his moan is a little pained.

"Jesus," he hisses, in between swipes of his tongue around the head. "I fucking missed how you taste." And in again, like he's ravenous. Starving.

There's something frantic about it, that edge of rushed desperation, and I can't help but want to sooth away.

"You can relax, you know. I'm not goin' anywhere," I whisper, but as soon as the words leave my mouth, they feel like a lie. We can't make promises like that to each other, and I feel a sudden, sharp wrench of panic in my gut, enough to punch the air right out of my lungs.

It doesn't matter how tight I hold on to him. How happy we are or how fucking fated we are to be together. This, right now, is the only time we're guaranteed to get.

That's not true, he knows it's not, and he also knows how true it really is, but he still makes himself calm down a little, even under the endlessly crashing waves of sense memory that are beating against the inside of his skull.

Neil in bed early in the morning, stirring, not yet awake, and he and Tom had already been awake for almost half an hour and together they slid down Neil's body and made out like horny teenagers over and around and on Neil's cock until he was very awake and very hard and trying to muffle the sounds he was making against his own palm.

Oh, God.

And now. The flutter of a pulse under his tongue. The textures of it all, the intoxicating mix of slick and silky. The way it feels to slide slowly, slowly down and then hard and fast back up again, humming as he goes.

He's honestly not sure time even means much of anything anymore.

"Mike," I groan, my hips starting to twitch, thrusting shallowly at first into the heat of his mouth, then with a little more purpose when I find that I can't really hold back anymore. I can't fucking breathe, and after a while, I realize how much noise I'm making, but it doesn't really matter, anyway. The sad fact is, there aren't any girls to wake up, and I really don't give a damn about the neighbors.

It feels so fucking good, fucking perfect, but that's almost an afterthought. When I come, minutes or fucking hours later, for all I know, it's a jaggedly painful sort of thing, after over a year without.

The truth is that even separated by lives and fucking worlds he still knows Neil's body this well, can feel the tension building like a thrumming charge under his skin. And when Neil comes he makes a liar of himself and it's not down his throat; it's on his tongue, hot and slick and faintly bitter, and everything that comes with the taste of it sends him shuddering again.

It's not an orgasm of his own, though he's had a hand between his legs, grinding against the heel of his palm, for the last however long. But the world gets indistinct for a while, and then he's licking Neil clean with a kind of care that's almost delicate--with that edge of desperation still beneath it.

"Jesus," I sob, and I think my cheeks are wet but I ignore it. I don't bother to wipe my hand across my face. I don't acknowledge it at all. I've got my hand in his hair and I drag him up until I can catch his lips with mine, licking away the taste of my own come with a strangled moan.

Groping at his shirt, I drag it up and off of him, and I'm pretty sure I hear something tear, but who the fuck even cares?

He shrugs the shirt off when Neil yanks at it and the air on his bare skin is like a breath being let out even if only partway, and it's as far as he gets before he's pulling Neil in again, framing his face with his hands and kissing him, kissing him for a long fucking time, and there's a little edge to it, a little bit of teeth, but the rage doesn't come.

"C'mon," he murmurs, lifting his head slightly--and he does what he'd wanted to do outside the restaurant all those days ago, tongue flicking out and tasting the salt on Neil's cheeks.

"Let's go to bed."

"You're gonna have to get up," I point out, grinning weakly against his cheek and finally pushing unsteadily to my feet, half dragging him along with me.

I feel dizzy, disoriented, and I can't really say how long we've been here, just kissing in the living room. Maybe it's been days. Right now, I'm pretty sure I'd be perfectly happy if we never fucking left this room.

"Can do better than that." The smile that's pulling at his mouth almost hurts, almost feels like it half belongs to someone else. It occurs to him that he might really be crazy.

It occurs to him that he doesn't give a pile of fucks.

He hooks his hands low on Neil's hips and lifts him, arms tight against him and nudging Neil's legs to hook around his waist. He's already heading for the bedroom, slightly unsteady.

"Fucking romance bullshit," he breathes against Neil's throat. "Love you even after I'm fucking dead."

Snorting out another laugh, my legs hook around his waist, arms around his shoulders, letting him carry me unsteadily toward the bedroom, my face hidden in the curve of his throat.

"The fuck are you showin' off for, old man?" I tease, my teeth closing over his earlobe. We both know I don't think he's anywhere close to being old, but it's still fun to tease him for it.

"It's not bullshit," I murmur, and I might still be joking, but maybe I'm not. Being able to play and smile and have fucking fun with him... I'd forgotten how much I missed it.

"I got a lotta fucking time to make up for." He lets Neil slide out of his arms and onto the bed and immediately he's dragging Neil's shirt off over his head, hands coasting back down his sides. But he pulls back to look, then--really look, because again this is an echo of darkness, and he wants to take time to soak in the light.

He scratches his fingers lightly up Neil's chest and throat, stops at his chin, tilting his face up. "And apparently I got some competition to show up."

And he's relieved to discover that he's mostly kidding. Mostly.

"Fuck off," I laugh, sitting up to try and get the rest of his clothes off of him, wanting to get him naked more than pretty much anything I've wanted in a really long time.

"It's not a fuckin' competition."

"No, it's not." Getting his shoes and pants off is a fumbling mess, hands everywhere and actually losing track of whose is whose at the same time as he's arching forward against Neil's hands and losing his mind a little bit more and at the end of it he's kicking the last of it away, crawling forward and shoving Neil back onto the mattress, biting gently at a nipple as he strips Neil out of what's left of his own clothes.

How exactly can he still use his hands at all? He's not even sure.

"'Cause I'm gonna fucking win."

"You think so?" I laugh, falling back onto the mattress with a gasp, my spine arching to bring us closer.

My hands are on him, wherever I can reach. Every inch of him is familiar, but the memories are distant and hazy and cliched as it is, this is a lot like coming home after years away. I've changed, and he as too, but so many of the little details are still the same.

Everything in him slows to a crawl, knees pushing Neil's legs apart and his hips already canting instinctively forward. It slows because when he lines them up just right and rolls his body in a kind of wave he can't breathe for a few seconds, and when he does again he's gasping.

"I think it doesn't fucking matter." And then it's just kissing for a length of time he doesn't bother keeping track of, rocking them both in a slow, grinding rhythm that runs his breath ragged, and for that time he somehow isn't even thinking about coming.

We kiss, rocking against each other, until I start to feel kind of lightheaded... Or maybe I've felt that way since he walked through the door. I've got my legs wrapped around him, my heel digging into his hip, dragging him in closer, and I'm already getting hard again with his cock sliding alongside mine.

I pull away from him with a gasp, a hoarse moan punching its way out of my chest, pupils blown wide when I blink open my eyes to look at him.

"So, what happened to taking it slow?" I ask, grinning crookedly, words broken up by stuttering pants of breath.

"Shit," he breathes, and it's meeting Neil's eyes that does it, rockets him up far too close to the edge, and he pulls back with his teeth clenched and all his extremities tingling like he's just touched a live wire.

Not yet. It's been so fucking long but not fucking yet.

"You really wanna... take it slow right now?" He rolls up to his knees, one hand closing around his own dick, jaw working as he tries to keep himself under a weak approximation of control. "I love you. Turn the fuck over."

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