forthedog | And we shall call it...

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neil

And we shall call it...

The bike roars under him. It feels amazing. It's like it's always just seconds from slipping out of his control, and at the same time he feels completely in possession of it.

In other words it's a lot like everything else.

Neil's warm against his back and as they round a bend in the road the last edge of the sun is going down through the trees in front of them. It's not a huge way outside the city but it's far enough that for a few moments he can entertain the fantasy that there's no city at all, that with the stripped trees and the deserted road they're back in the Realm again and a great many things are simpler.

In many ways it's not a nice fantasy. But he does entertain it.

He slows as the trees close in; they're still a mile or so away but he wants to enjoy the road. He turns his head, catches a glimpse of Neil out of the corner of his eye. "You okay back there?"

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"Yeah, sorry, I flaked on the food." He pulls his helmet off and finally swings his leg over the side of the bike, stretching his legs experimentally as he stands.

He turns, grinning crookedly - and suddenly a little nervous. "This is it. Merry Christmas."

Sliding off the bike and setting my helmet down next to his, I move to stand next to him, a confused little smile tugging at my lips.

"Uh... you're gonna have to help me out here, man. I don't get it."

"It's yours. Ours." He gestures at their surroundings, the trees, the stars. "I signed the papers a couple days before Christmas. Seemed..." He shrugs. "I dunno. It felt right."

I'm silent for a moment, just staring out at the water with that same confused look on my face, then it's like I finally catch the fuck up and realize what he's saying.

"Wait, you're serious?" I say with a cough of disbelieving laughter. "This? It's ours?"

"Ours. Nothing on it now 'cept for grass and trees and rocks, but yeah. We own it."

He turns again, slips his arms around Neil's waist and pulls him close. He's gone from nervous to giddy, the crisp cleanness of the air and the light on the water in the distance, and most of all how present the future feels, how entirely within reach.

"What do you wanna do with it?"

I think about, suddenly, our little house around the tree... and later, the big house I had built for the girls, that I never even had time to enjoy. The house that Mike never even stepped foot in.

I imagine a little house by the lake. A yard for the girls. A fence. Dogs. It's so fucking disgustingly picturesque and domestic, I oughta be embarrassed, just thinking it. But instead, my throat tightens up and I can hardly breathe.

"What do you fuckin' think I wanna do with it?" I whisper, my arms finding their way around him and my chin dropping to his shoulder, maybe just to hide my face from him.

Edited 2013-01-02 05:14 (UTC)

"I know," he murmurs. He knew. He knew before he even signed, before he even saw it, before he even thought of exactly what he was going to do. It led him to this, rather than the other way around.

What does Neil want? Neil wants the same thing he wants. To get back what's been lost. To find a way to move forward.

"It's gonna take some time. And more money. But I figured... this was a start."

"It's a pretty fuckin' great start," I murmur, looking past him at the land stretching around us. However long it takes, and maybe this time I'll get lucky and actually get to enjoy it.

"I love you."

"I love you too." He slides his hands up to either side of Neil's face, palms against the corners of his jaw - warm against his fingers - leans in and kisses his forehead. There's something about the gesture that, more than anything since the girls, calls up memories of the island, and for a few seconds his chest is too tight for speaking.

Then he pulls in a breath. This is here, now. The past matters, but this is not the past.

"C'mon, lemmie show you the lake."

Grinning stupidly, I pull away from him, one hand curled in his jacket. "So, show me," I say with a teasing grin. It's cold out here and my cheeks are starting to feel kind of numb, but I really don't give a shit.

I don't plan on heading back any sooner than we have to.

One hand slips around behind Neil's neck, tugging gently as he starts moving toward the slope that leads down to the water's edge. It's further under the trees and somehow both darker and brighter, secret... and once he would have scoffed at magical, but he's wiser now.

"There's no dock. Figure I can build that much myself."

"Shit, this isn't gonna be as easy as callin' in a favor with the buildin' crew," I realize, 'cause all of this feels a hell of a lot more adult than it did on the island. Actual money involved, loans and contractors and inspections and mortgage payments and whatever the fuck else.

"We'll have space for a garden, again. It feels weird, not havin' one."

"Yeah," he murmurs. "We will." That had been in his mind, too, when he'd first stood out here and made his final decision. Moving forward... but embracing the past.

Giving himself permission to do so.

"Never really got it before... but I miss that. Back there, there's just not enough shit growing."

"Could've gotten one of those fuckin' window boxes," I point out with a smirk, knowing it wouldn't have been the same.

"I don't miss all the fuckin' bugs. All that fuckin' humidity. But havin' a yard... havin' space again? It'll be good."

"More than good." His hand slips away from Neil's neck, down to curl around his fingers. "I was standing here, day I decided to sign, and I was thinking..." He laughs, shaking his head. "Fuck, I don't even know what I was thinking, except I think it was actually about the girls. Thinking this is great but it's a lot for just two people. It's like some part of me knew."

He points up to a particularly large oak that stands just at the edge of where the trees get thicker, a towering black shape in the dark. "I'm gonna build 'em a treehouse in that one."

"How long you been plannin' this?" I ask, grinning crookedly, 'cause I honestly didn't see it coming. I thought, down the road, we'd plan for this sorta thing, but this... It's not hard at all to imagine a house, a garden, a treehouse... all of it.

"They're gonna fuckin' love it."

"Not that long. Told you, I only did it like a few days before Christmas. Before that... I dunno, couldn't have been more than a week."

The ground is sloping more, the lake expanding as they emerge from under the trees. The water is very still, almost glass-like, silent against the bank.

"I was talking to Andrea, saying I had no idea what the fuck to get for you... and then I started thing about what you really wanted." He gives Neil's hand a squeeze. "What I really wanna give you."

"You're such a fuckin' sap," I say, grinning stupidly and dropping my face to his shoulder, half to hide it in the holds of his coat.

It has nothin' to do with the money, but considering what it really means, I think it's safe to say that this is the most amazing thing anybody's ever given me.

"Like you're not." He slows, stops, looking out over the water. Until now, here with Neil pressing against him, this didn't feel real. Not like it does now. He releases Neil's hand, curls an arm around his shoulders again and pulls him closer.

"This is where I decided to come home," he says quietly. "Not, like, right here. Across the way there." He gestures to the lights of the farmhouse a little way across the water. "Didn't know it was home, then. I just knew I had to go back."

"I half expected you to never come back again," I admit with a cough of laughter and swallowing past a sudden tightness in my throat.

"Guess there's somebody livin' there now, huh?"

"Looks like." He's quiet for another moment, listening to the stillness, how silent the trees are without birds, like everything is sleeping. And then it occurs to him that spring is coming. Real spring. The most real spring he's experienced in... maybe over a decade.

"I know we had a house before. But this feels different, doesn't it?"

"The Tree never really felt like mine," I admit, leaning back against him, my eyes drifting shut. It's cold, but not painfully, and this close to him, I hardly notice.

"And the new house, I had for... Fuck, like two weeks. Too fuckin' bad, it was kinda awesome."

"I don't think it would feel like mine now, anyway," he murmurs. There's a sharp bite of irony behind it - he did burn it down, after all - but it's also true.

"It's like... It's time for something new."

"We gonna have a pool? A tennis court, you think?" I tease, the faded tension in my chest clinching a little tighter at that tone in his voice.

"A whole separate wing for the girls. Somewhere for the nanny to sleep, right?"

He breathes out a laugh. "Nanny can sleep with the goddamn butler." He turns, pulling Neil more fully into his arms, pushing hair off his brow with cool fingers.

"Or a houseboy. You're getting a little old for me."

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