Aftermath

[forthedog]

He's tired when he finally gets home.

It makes sense; it is, in every sense of the term, the small hours, and his arm and shoulder are also aching and weary from dealing out so many heavy blows, but it's more than that. What he's seen and done tonight was draining and in a way that he didn't entirely expect.

Though he should have, probably. Part of him was let out, almost off the leash. Wrestling with it, keeping it in check at the same time that he was making use of it... It's taken a lot.

He's also floating on his own adrenaline. His own endorphins, even just sympathetic in nature. His own dark pleasure, a kind that has simultaneously nothing and everything to do with sex.

He unlocks the door and steps inside, shutting it silently after him and moving equally silently through the dim apartment toward the bedroom. All he wants to do is sleep through the rest of the week.

And he hopes Dean feels the same, now. Finally.

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[likeaplanet]

The girls went down hours ago, the sitter sent home, and I'm in bed, half-asleep when I hear the door open and close. I should've been more nervous about the whole thing, maybe, but it felt like something that needed to be done.

There's not a whole lot I can do for Dean, right now, but giving him this? Maybe that can be enough, if only for a little while.

Cracking open an eye, I fling back the covers on Mike's side of the bed, lifting my head and murmuring, "Hey," when he walks through the bedroom door.

[forthedog]

"Hey." He sets the duffel bag down in the corner and shrugs off his coat, tossing it onto a nearby chair and leaning down to undo the laces on his boots.

"Sorry it's so late."

[likeaplanet]

"'s fine. I figured it'd take a while," I say, slurred a little from sleep. Rubbing at my eyes, I sit up, the covers pooling down around my waist.

"Everythin' go okay?"

[forthedog]

"I..." He rubs a hand across his face. How the hell to even answer that question. What okay even means in this situation. With someone who needs what Dean seems to.

He pulls his shirt off over his head and lets it drop to the floor. "Yeah. I guess."

[likeaplanet]

Snorting a laugh, I scrub both hands over my face and mutter, "Right. Stupid question."

Shifting toward him, I sit on the edge with my legs hanging over the mattress and reach for him. "Come 'ere."

[forthedog]

He pauses, looking at Neil in the faint light from the window, and what he can't stop thinking about is the way Dean had stiffened under the few gentler touches, the way that, out of everything, they had seemed to be the most painful.

He lets out a sigh that almost twists into a quiet sob, leaning against Neil's side, letting his eyes slip closed. "He's so hurt, Neil," he breathes. "I saw him. Down there, hanging on those hooks. But tonight I really saw him."

[likeaplanet]

My breath catches, a tight knot lodging in the back of my throat, and I slide an arm around him, my chin resting on his shoulder.

"Forty fuckin' years in hell... He shouldn't even be alive. He shouldn't be whole. Cas said, if it'd been anybody else, there would've been no soul left to find, down there."

[forthedog]

"I saw that, too." He can't be sure, of course. But he thinks maybe he's seen more than most people have been allowed to see. "He was fighting. Even when he wanted to let go."

He reaches up, slides an arm up and around Neil's neck, just holding on for a moment.

"Thank you. For letting me do that."

[likeaplanet]

The day that Dean Winchester really stops fighting... that's the day to worry. It's why I was so fuckin' terrified, down in the ash, seeing him up there on those chains. He'd given up, if only for a little while, and I know that Dean's the type to fight and fight and fight 'til he's got nothing left.

"It needed to be done," I murmur, "I'd have offered to do it, myself, but I doubt I'd have been able to go all out, like you. Plus, he probably would've gotten all fuckin' weird about me seein' his dick."

[forthedog]

He laughs softly, starts unbuckling his belt. "Yeah, that part was... a lot less weird than I thought it was gonna be."

Dean naked, in chains, completely at his mercy... and his dick hadn't entered into the equation at all. What he remembers seeing is bruised flesh, ruined skin. Blood. Dean's face.

He stands long enough to push his pants and underwear down his thighs, kicking them away. "I just... I hope Cas doesn't come after me or anything, 'cause I really don't love the idea of having to explain this to him."

[likeaplanet]

"Yeah, we can't tell him. Ever. I want you to live," I say, and maybe I'm exaggerating, but more likely, I'm not. There are things that Cas won't understand, and as much as I love the guy, and as much as I trust him, I don't trust him to be able to control himself, when Dean's involved.

"I'm just lucky I never fucked him. I'd probably be a pile of fuckin' ash, by now."

[forthedog]

He pauses, setting back onto the bed again and raking a hand through his hair. Face turned away from Neil, not looking at much of anything at all.

"Seems like I'm keeping a lot of secrets, where the Winchester brothers are concerned."

Because he can't keep that out of this. Not ever.

[likeaplanet]

"You get used to it. It used to get me into trouble, keeping straight what they knew and what they didn't know about each other," I murmur, eyes on the line of his spine, my hand reaching out to touch the tattoo on his shoulder blade. I'm not even gonna fuckin' point out how different what happened with Dean tonight is to what happened with Sam. The idea of comparing the two isn't something that sits right with me, especially since I sent Mike in there tonight with my blessing.

"Did you see Sam, at the club? Their whole relationship's such a clusterfuck." All three of them, even if Cas is convinced he doesn't fit in their lives anymore.

[forthedog]

"Yeah, I saw him. Talked to him." He turns his head, half a smile that he doesn't even know for sure is visible. "Showed him around. I'm still not totally sure what the fuck he was doing in there."

He turns and settled a hand on Neil's shoulder, pushing him back down onto the bed and following, settling close as he pulls the covers back up. He's still tired, yes.

He just wishes he thought he'd really sleep.

"If Sam found out, he'd... I don't even know what the fuck he'd do. And if Dean found out about Sam I really think he might kill me." He turns his face against the pillow and sighs. "I know you don't like when I talk about it. It's just... It felt closer. Tonight."

[likeaplanet]

"Bein' weird, as usual," I mutter, 'cause if I thought I'd gotten a handle on Sam Winchester back on the island, that illusion was completely blown out of the water, here.

I let myself get pushed back against the pillows, sliding back under the covers with him and shifting around to face him, our legs tangled under the sheets.

Letting out a slow, shaky breath, I push a hand through his hair, fingertips brushing over his scalp. "Closer how?" I ask softly, even though he's right, there's a big part of me that'd rather not know.

[forthedog]

"I was hurting someone," he says simply. His good eye is pressed against the pillow and the world is black. "Not like with you. It wasn't playing. I was fucking taking him apart. And it was..."

He sighs again, longer, heavier. Just because he's no longer afraid of this part of himself doesn't make it easier to talk about.

"I can't pretend I didn't like it. I did. I liked it a lot."

[likeaplanet]

"Nobody's askin' you to pretend," I murmur, my thumb tracing the corner of his blind eye.

"What you got in you, you gotta keep control of. I know that. But if I'd thought for one second that the only reason you agreed to go into that room with Dean is 'cause you wanted to break somebody, I never would've agreed to it."

It wasn't just about Mike, it was about Dean, too. I can't deny how intimate what they did tonight really was, but that's something I'm okay with. We're family. A really fucked up, broken family, but family all the same.

[forthedog]

"No," he breathes - agreeing. A ghost of a shiver makes its way down his spine. After, he had felt absurdly like crying, and then had realized that it wasn't really absurd at all. "He was in pain. I wanted to help him. You know."

He shifts closer, arm around Neil's waist and knee nestled between his legs. "And I think I did. So." He manages a faint smile. "That happened."

[likeaplanet]

"He's kinda worth helping," I murmur, my lips grazing across his brow. Cas talks about him like he's some kind of fucking saint. A pure, bright soul in the middle of all this darkness. As frustrating as all all Cas' shit is, his single-mindedness and refusal to even take half the effort he puts into looking after Dean and use it to look after himself, I've never really been able to really argue with him about any of it.

I know what kind of man Dean Winchester is. Dean's the only one that doesn't seem to get it.

[forthedog]

"No kidding." He can feel himself settling. The adrenaline is bleeding away, and he thinks he really might be able to snatch a few hours of sleep after all.

"Maybe someday he'll even buy it."

[likeaplanet]

"Yeah, good fuckin' luck gettin' that to happen," I snort softly, my fingers still moving idly through his hair.

"I love you, you know."

[forthedog]

"Yeah, I know." He shifts slightly under Neil's stroking fingers, nuzzling sleepily at his jaw. "I love you too. A... stupid, crazy amount."

[likeaplanet]

"Whatever. I'm fuckin' loveable," I mutter, grinning lazily against his cheek. Burrowing deeper under the covers, our legs impossibly tangled, I murmur, "Come on, man. Get some sleep."

[forthedog]

"Working on it." But he doesn't think he'll have to work especially hard. He's warm, safe, there are no monsters here. Maybe, wherever he is, Dean feels this way too.

He can almost believe it.