forthedog | (no subject)

He waits a day. Not because he's particularly worried or hesitant, but because he needs the time to gather himself, to meditate on what this means, To the extent that he was thinking about it, he wasn't thinking about it as a real, imminent possibility, and now he needs to shift his thinking in that direction.

This is not just tossing some genetic material in someone's general direction. It was never going to be anything like that. This is the closest thing, since Florence, that he's had to a sister. Which makes this more than a little weird, not that it wasn't weird anyway.

So on the evening after the evening after, he feels ready. He's not sure of the outcome of this - there's all the difference in the world between vague, idle speculation and actually proposing a thing - but he's also feeling calm.

Family means different things all the time. Even as there's a core that never changes.

He leans across the center island in the kitchen, a pot of pasta sauce simmering on the stove behind him, to where Neil is seated doing something or other on the laptop. "So we gotta talk. If you have a second."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"What, you mean like finding a surrogate? Who?" I say, giving him a look. I don't know why, but it just seems kind of crazy. And stupid. I've grown up... a lot, over the last seven or eight years, I guess, but what business would I have, doing something like that?

"Yeah, I guess." He shrugs, the look leaving him mostly unfazed. In any case, it's a look he's had to get used to. "I'm not saying we should, I'm not saying it's a great idea, I'm just saying... There's ways."

He sighs, feeling a pang of something run through him. "I can't just ignore this. Nothing has to change, I told you, I love what we have now, I just... I can't ignore this. Especially not now. It's on your mind, it's on my mind too. That's all I'm saying."

"I'm not sayin' you should fuckin' ignore it," I say, rubbing a frustrated hand across my forehead.

"This isn't... I didn't mean to bring this shit up, I don't even... It's not like I think about it, Mike, I just... You should do this, with them. For them, and I get why she wants it to be you, but it can't be because you wanna have another fuckin' kid and you can't do it with me. Like, even a little bit. 'Cause that'd be seriously fucked up, man."

It's like a slap, not because it's intended to hurt or because there's anger behind it, or even because it stings him in and of itself, but because he can feel the pain there, and a kind of loss that comes not when something is lost but when it's never possessed at all.

Sometimes he's a psychopath. And sometimes it would just be easier if he was.

"That's not it," he says quietly. "Not even a little bit."

"Okay," I say, managing a faint but honest smile, even as I swipe a hand across my cheek, and it's not often that I feel embarrassed in front of him-- in fact, I can't really remember the last time, but I feel kinda stupid right now, mostly because I don't know where most of this even came from.

"I would. Want to, I think. I mean, not right now, but... I would."

He reaches up again, gently cups the side of Neil's face and pulls them closer together. The island is still between them, but what the hell, he can lean.

Nothing is getting in the way.

"I can't even tell you how happy that'd make me."

"Shut up," I say, a choked hiccup of laughter catching in the back of my throat, and I pull away from him, but only to walk around the other side of the island, 'cause I don't want that much space between us.

"You're such a fuckin' sap, sometimes," I say, putting my own hand to his face, the other sliding around his waist, to pull him close.

Edited 2014-05-05 05:54 (UTC)

"I know, you keep telling me." He settles both hands on Neil's hips and leans their foreheads together. He's still thinking about it, a baby with Neil's strange young-old eyes, and for the first time in a long time he curses his own biology.

"So you're okay with this? Really?"

"It's worth repeating, asshole," I say, my hands framing his face and my eyes nearly crossing to keep focus on him.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm really okay with it. Go, jerk off into a cup or whatever. You've got my fuckin' blessing."

"Oh, Jesus." He rolls his eyes, lets out a sigh. He had known about the mechanics of this, of course, but that hadn't been the same as thinking about it as something that he will, imminently, do.

"That sounds like... the least sexy thing I will ever fucking do."

"It fuckin' better, man. Sterile, fluorescent lights, the whole fuckin' deal," I grin, pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips.

"You're serious, though? That you'd want us to have another kid? My kid-- black hair, squinty fuckin' eyes, the whole deal?"

"And I dunno if they'd have my preferred kind of reading material," he says dryly. Not what he'd be likely to favor these days.

"Yeah, I'm serious. Why the hell wouldn't I be?" He smiles against Neil's cheekbone. "I love your hair. I love your squinty fucking eyes."

Edited 2014-05-06 02:12 (UTC)

"What the fuck is your preferred reading material?" I snort, 'cause he's mostly flexible, these days.

"I don't fuckin' know. I'm just sayin'."

"No, seriously. You sounded kinda surprised." He pulls back enough to study Neil's face, one hand stroking through his hair. "Maybe I was just hearing things, but... So you didn't think it would happen before. So you thought it might be a statistic. I love you. That's not an accident. Nothing that comes outta that is an accident, either. I think about holding a kid that's yours, and I... It feels right."

"You're not the only one bringing a lotta bullshit to the table, Mike. That's... all I'm sayin'. It's not just that I didn't think it'd happen. I didn't really think it should, yanno?" I shrug, my own hands settling on his shoulders.

"I know we're not a fuckin' accident. It feels right to me, too, man. That doesn't mean I'm not fuckin' surprised."

"If only the people who should have kids had kids there'd be no fucking kids ever." He lets out a quiet laugh. Surprise doesn't really begin to cover it, but he doesn't suspect that he needs to say so.

But then something strikes him.

"So... Wait, are we shelving this thing, or are we actually talking about it like it could happen?"

"Like I said, maybe not right now, but it could happen? I mean, why the fuck not, right?" I grin, leaning in and catching his lips in a kiss, one that's quick and mostly just an affectionate touch because he's right there, and I can't think of any reason not to.

"No reason I can think of." He reaches up and closes a gentle hand around Neil's wrist, tugging the back of Neil's hand to his mouth and kissing his knuckles.

"Sometimes I think marrying you wasn't the worst fucking idea."

"Oh my God, shut the fuck up, man. It was the best fuckin' idea you ever had," I say, rolling my eyes at him, even though I don't try at all to pull my hand from his grip.