It's these little things, they can pull you under

[forthedog]

It's when they're cutting through Petros Park, the sun setting slowly through the naked trees, that he finally says something.

They could take a cab back and they still might at some point, but for now they're content enough to walk, and with the days so short and him sleeping so late these days, he likes being out in every minute of sunlight he can get, even sunlight that's thin with winter. And maybe he'd hoped that walking would distract him, getting him to stop mulling over things he can't change.

But of course he could never leave well enough alone.

"So," he says, hands in his pockets and his gaze still locked forward. The lights along the path are starting to come on. "You're still back there, huh?"

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[likeaplanet]

A part of me's been waiting for it since we left Mathias' apartment. Back at the cafe, I saw that little flicker behind his eyes, and sense then it's like I can see the wheels in his head turning.

"So I've been told," I say, cutting him a look, "Honestly, I thought I'd told you."

[forthedog]

"Maybe you did. Maybe I forgot." He's pretty sure Neil didn't. That, he thinks, he would remember.

"I mean, I guess it makes sense. I was back in the fuckin' Realm even after I ended up on the fucking beach."

[likeaplanet]

"And I never left Hutchinson, accordin' to Wendy and Brian," I remind him, hands deep in my jacket pockets while I sneak little glances at him, trying to feel out what he thinks of all this shit.

"Olive said somethin' 'bout it, first. Told me I'd run for council, again. Lost again, too."

[forthedog]

He laughs faintly at that. "Always did have a hard time seeing you as a public fucking servant."

Time, fucked, endlessly. Endlessly.

"So," he says, gaze fixed back on the setting sun again, now a little to their rights. Just enough outside the periphery of what remains of his vision that he has to turn his head a little. "You get any other details?"

[likeaplanet]

"Yeah, so'd everybody else," I say with a snort. And whatever he wants to ask, he's fuckin' dancing around it, like he's nervous, which could only mean a few things.

"About what? Does it even fuckin' matter?"

[forthedog]

He could keep edging around it. A not insignificant part of him wants to. But the rest of him is joined to that thing down in the dark, and whatever else could or could not be said for it, at least it's always been very direct.

He sighs. "Yeah, it does. All of it does. It's all part of something I never got to be there for."

He turns his head, meets Neil's gaze. "You hear anything about you and the girls? How they're doing?"

[likeaplanet]

"Yeah, and I'm not there for it now, either," I say, the knot in my chest that I hadn't really even noticed tightening into something painful.

"I don't know. They're still there. Chris said so, but he's not really known for his attention to fuckin' detail."

[forthedog]

"You-" He freezes, almost stops dead. Whatever he'd been expecting to hear, this isn't it. He's frantically trying to make sense of it, wondering if he heard wrong, but underneath it all he knows he didn't knows what Neil meant, and it's not how he always assumed this would work.

"The hell're you talking about?"

[likeaplanet]

"They're still there," I say again, turning to look at him, feeling a desperate, directionless surge of anger. They're still there, with nobody.

"I vanished from the island, a couple months back, but Mack and Flo are still there. With Kara, I guess. Or maybe Charlie. I don't know."

[forthedog]

"They're..." He does stop then, as the sense in it hits him.

His daughters. His girls.

And they've felt so distant, the part of him that loves them phasing in and out like something that's only half here, but all of a sudden that part of him is blazing, fiery, fierce.

They're there and he doesn't know who with.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He blinks. "And you were gonna tell me this when?"

[likeaplanet]

"I don't fuckin' know, Mike. Never. What the fuck good would it have done?" I say, trying not to shout, but it's hard not to be defensive when I feel this guilty.

"I don't know shit. Chris said he saw them once or twice at the Winchester, but I don't know who they were with. I don't know shit."

[forthedog]

"Fuck."

He half turns away, his hands weirdly aimless in their movements, as if they want to pull at his own hair and hit something and fix everything all at the same time, when the first two will do nothing and the third is impossible.

So he makes himself stand still and he makes himself breathe evenly. Not that it really helps, but it gets the worst of it under control.

He turns back to Neil again. "So you're telling me... They lost Eostre. They lost me. They lost Tom. Now they've lost you? And they're just... left behind? That's..." He hadn't ever really given it much thought, what was supposed to happen to them if everyone went. Maybe he should have. But now he realizes that on some level, though his girls disappearing is a terrifying thought all on its own, that he'd assumed that would happen. That they'd be taken care of. That they'd go somewhere safe to be with Eostre, or Tom, or Neil.

Or him.

"That is just beyond fucked up."

[likeaplanet]

"You think I don't know that?" I say, my voice worn thin to the point of breaking, "Jesus, Mike."

There's a small, petty part of me that wants to remind him that he hardly wants me to talk about them, hardly seems to want to claim them as his own.

"They wouldn't be alone, you know? They... they had a big family, you know? It wasn't just us."

But now Mathias is gone, maybe, and who the fuck knows who else.

[forthedog]

"It's not even about that." He just stands there, eyes half closed. The part of him he's opened himself up to can be clinical, detached, and now he lets that part take over a little. "It's about... Look, kids are fucking resilient, I know that, but all that shit..."

He shakes his head and looks away again. "Sometimes I think that place wasn't any fucking good for children. Not if this is what happens to them."

Safe, happy... illusory. Transient.

[likeaplanet]

"It's not like we could've done anything different. You fuckin' know I would've brought them with me, if I could," I say, and I can't consider that it would've been better if Eostre hadn't even had them in the first place. I can't think that way. There was no other fucking place for them, but that island, and it's gonna fucking eat me alive, thinking about all the ways their lives are gonna be shit, because of it.

[forthedog]

"I know. Shit, I know." He squeezes his eyes shut, pinches the bridge of his nose. He hasn't gotten headaches from his eye in a long time, but now one is threatening again.

He drops his hand away and focuses on Neil, on the way he looks close to cracking open. "You been carrying this around by yourself this whole time. Haven't you?"

[likeaplanet]

Shrugging awkwardly, I say, "When Olive told me I was still back there, it was easier, you know? I knew they were okay."

Scrubbing a hand across my mouth, I drag in a breath, finally forcing myself to look at him.

"I don't even know who they're with, now. I could ask Mathias, but... Shit, I dunno."

Maybe it's better, not knowing.

[forthedog]

"Does it matter? 'S not like we can fucking do anything, like you said." Part of him wants to know. Part of him doesn't. All of him knows it doesn't make any difference either way.

"Just..." He moves forward suddenly, reaches up and curls a hand around the side of Neil's neck, leaning closer. "Don't do that. Don't keep that kinda shit to yourself. That's not how we work now."

[likeaplanet]

"I know. I'm sorry," I breathe, my hand curling around the back of his neck and pulling him closer 'til his forehead touches mine.

"I didn't really wanna think about it, honestly."

[forthedog]

"Yeah, I bet." He goes quiet for another few minutes, just standing like that, grounding himself. There's nothing, nothing he can do. If that should be comforting, it isn't, but it is what it is.

"I know I'm still... weird about 'em. I'm sorry."

[likeaplanet]

"That's another reason why I didn't really wanna talk about it," I admit with a cough of laughter, my eyes drifting shut.

"It's okay, you know? I mean, it's not okay, but I get it."

[forthedog]

"I wish it wasn't like that." Because Neil's right: it's not okay. There's a lot about him that feels, if not fixed, at least hammered into a shape that he can live with. But this doesn't feel sustainable. It never has.

"They were the most important part of me, once. I remember that."

[likeaplanet]

"I know you do," I murmur, wishing there was some way I could remind him, some way I could bring it all back, but I can't.

"We're standin' in the middle of the street, you know," I remind him when some guy brushes past us, my arms sliding around Mike's neck and pulling him close. "We oughta go home."

[forthedog]

"Yeah," he sighs, looking up and around like he'd forgotten, because he pretty much had. "I guess, I gotta be at work in a couple hours."

Nothing feels resolved. Not even close. But it's not like there's exactly any way for that to change.

[likeaplanet]

"Right," I say with a deep breath, stepping away from him but slipping my hand into his.

"You could always call out. Unless you think they'd fall apart without you."

[forthedog]

"Oh, fuck, yeah, none of the girls'd be able to find their goddamn g-strings," he mutters. But the idea has appeal. Work feels distant and unimportant - everything sort of does, and while he feels integrated enough most of the time, suddenly it's though every piece of him has been jarred slightly out of place.

Or like there's a piece missing that he suddenly can't ignore.

He gives Neil's hand a slight squeeze. "So what would I be calling out for?"

[likeaplanet]

"Do you need a specific reason?" I ask, lifting our joined hands and pressing my lips to his knuckles. "Kinda just wanted to spend the night with you, is all."

After all the shit that's been stirred up tonight, it feels weird having him run off to work.

[forthedog]

"That works." He doesn't feel like working. He likes the club, likes the dancers, likes the atmosphere... but not tonight. Too loud, too crowded. He wants beer, pizza... Neil.

Not too much thinking.

"I'll call when we get in."